Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato

Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.

It’s the new Audi Torium.

me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order

Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.

ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows

It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.

We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex

Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.

DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?

Meeeee too!

Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark

A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this

Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram

People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.

Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV

i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people

You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.

“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.

on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On

I’ve lost countless hours of my life simply squishing peoples heads with my fingers as they walk by

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times

Me: What’s your name please?

Customer: Hal

Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?

Customer: Harold

Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah

Boss: Could you ever just don’t?

Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?

Me: Chloroform

“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.