[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
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Life’s too short to have your shit together.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
No regrets in 2018
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
“No way.” -Jose
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.