School be like
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The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
What did the dad reply to the mom who said “I’ve had enough, I’m selling my kid on eBay”?
“Don’t be silly. You made him, so sell him on Etsy.”
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit