School be like
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Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Why? Just why? 😂
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.