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An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.