School be like
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Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.