Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.

I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.

All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.

*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*

Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep

Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation

Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.

The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.

Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.

“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”

“Then I would have had to reword it.”

After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.

The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.

My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.

Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad

My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?

Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?

Me: Great question Dave.

[autopsy]

Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever

You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.

Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.

Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.

[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK

Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub

Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”

“Change is never easy…”

~McDonalds employees

“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”

CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan

This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.

DATE: So tell me something about yourself

ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’

HER: I need to see other people

there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.