Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

husband: we should role play tonight

me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad

husband: huh, that’s oddly specific

me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks

Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.

[before lamps were invented]

moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast

me: *turns around in swivel chair*

*tents fingers*

I guess you never expected to see ME again…

Boss: Must we do this every Monday?

Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.

Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!

Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*

Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!

Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*

With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster

“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”

– inventor of the sauna

I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.

My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.

Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.

I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period

‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.

“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”

Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…

Thank you for your time.

I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.

what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow

[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son

Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.

Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.

Husband: I’m sitting right here.

Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.

Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.

*implements margarita Tuesdays*

Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.

[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?

– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_

– MILKMAN!!

– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”

I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.

I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.

Betrayed.

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.