Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?

Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.

Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista

[restaurant]

me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*

My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.

0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

Friend: What’s it like having kids?

Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*

Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing

*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*

*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!

I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.

Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!

Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?

Me: All the time

Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?

Me: yes

Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food

Him: I like to play devils advocate

Me: There are way better games out there

I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore

waitress: are there any allergies at this table?

me, already drunk: POLLEN

Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.

I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday

Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Age 40: I want my toilet to flush

[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?

Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife

Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.

Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.

Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?

Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?

When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.

My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.