[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
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Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family