Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.

I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.

GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.

I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon

Me: What’s for dinner?

Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.

Me: What?

*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*

Me: You may have a problem

tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell

Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.

Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.

worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol

I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE

People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.

Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?

boss: why are you so late?

me: why are you so obsessed with me?

I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.

If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food

My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.

Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it

Me: I’m not surprised

Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk

I took two years of anger management courses

Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores

Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff

i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple

And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”

2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah

Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm

Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!

[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans

first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues

My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy

I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.

To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now

been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order

it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman