Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.

who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?

Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.

The legends were true

I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body

Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like

[fire alarm]

Hotel California manager: oh no

The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.

13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.

A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.

Husband: you should get out of the house more

Me: *goes shopping*

Husband: not like that

My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment

just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes

DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home

As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.

A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.

“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”

– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores

I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.

I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…

to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone

STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST

1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy

Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.

“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”

“Sir, she came in with you!”

when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand

when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas

Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?

Me: yes

At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground

Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.

You’re not an “empath”.

You have “chronic heartburn”.

I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad

[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.

As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.