Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut

My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.

* scratches *

Damn.

Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..

*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers

Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

What I said: Brush your teeth.

What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.

If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.

Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:

Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas

Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no

Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered

I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.

What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.

People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk

Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.

Ever think of that??

Welcome

Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!

Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*

Me: I got a job interview next week.

Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.

Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean

Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?

Executioner: Ugh the WORST

I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.

I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.

[first day as a drug dealer]

Buyer: got any Morphine?

Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.

3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.

[robber pulls gun]

ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child

MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother

Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do