School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
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Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
My dog learned how to text
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad