School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
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birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Finally!
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…