[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
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[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
The smoke detector went off because the battery was low and I thought it was because the frozen pizza was done.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
*puts my mental health in rice
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that shit to my personalities.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.