School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
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Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Breaking news:
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember