Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”

me: i’ll have a steak

waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant

me: oh

waiter:

me: ok i’ll have a vegan

“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here

I just want to be as happy as these people singing about diabetes medication

I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”

Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.

The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.

HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me

Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.

Wanna wake your teens up early?

Cook bacon

I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.

Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese

You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.

Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.

Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?

Wife: Six, Your Honor.

Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.

Husband: She also stole a can of peas!

I stuck my head out the window and moo-ed at the cows, this date will soon be over.

Receptionist: the doctor can see you now

invisible man who’s also blind: who said that

receptionist: who said that

I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am

need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country

The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.

if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.

A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.

I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.

A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.

My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.

Amazon prime in the future:

Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow

Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?

Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”

You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.

ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick