Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*

Bouncer: you still can’t go in

my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying

One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.

i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations

A game married people play.

I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”

So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.

The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:

1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them

I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.

The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.

SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*

I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother

Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much

Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.

I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.

me: my phone is always on silent

them: don’t you miss calls?

me: yes 🙂

I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.

not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we

My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.

when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy

A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.

“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”