Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this

[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today

*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?

(Lionel Richie, speed dating)

[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep

*Bites lower lip*

“So this is an abduction then?”

Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”

i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot

If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.

Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.

Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.

Not all heroes wear capes….

I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.

6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?

Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow

Him: (opens mouth to speak)

Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.

I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen

Me: Can I be frank?

Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.

Me: Get out.

Them: Just act casual
Me:

He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.

I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.

me: genocide is bad

guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?

me: it’s not

guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is

me: a-are those laminated

fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake

me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?

fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?

Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.

Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?

first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died

If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question

If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.

I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”

He told me I was too pretty not to smile.

So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.

Now I’m smiling.

Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*

Friend: Bad breakup?

Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.

My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”

Yes, I had to google that.

Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.

trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”