Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember, when a package says “sharing size”, that’s just a guideline. They have no enforcement mechanism

How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.

My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday

I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.

[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.

Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.

Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*

[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?

Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!

Monday: forearms

Wednesday: forearms

Friday: forearms

Sunday: forearms

–Popeye’s gym schedule

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.

[at my funeral]

So young, how did he die?

He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”

A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.

Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.

Thank you, Internet.

Thank you.

[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?

Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.

I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.

Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them

We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”

Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown

Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-

Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!

My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.

My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.

Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.

Oh the world we live in…

Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets

this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa

“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.

Me: Ah, the elusive white penny

Cashier: That’s a button

Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.

A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.