School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
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As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
choose your gary
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
necessity is the mother of invention
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
My recliner and I go way back
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.