Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?

Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!

Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.

Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*

Me: Dammit.

i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses

No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”

“my name is Denise”

I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.

My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔

My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready

i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break

pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed

he looks great for his age

Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body

My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please

Me: what’s that? More cheese?

her: i hate ultimatums

me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.

All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.

date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes

I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up

my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground

Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.

I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.

Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*

WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings

WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped

WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death

ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together

Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics

strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt

*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?

This is my emotional support chloroform rag

Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.