Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????

Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.

Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.

Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.

Boss : If you are late again you are fired.

Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.

I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.

ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?

People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.

everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

monday

Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.

ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments

Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder

It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.

This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.

“Call me crazy bu..”

You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.

DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.

“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”

Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat

When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”

Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did

I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.

Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.

By far the dumbest thing I’ve made

I painted a hot chick with big jugs