School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
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My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
😲 WTF? 😆
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
boat question
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.