School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
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I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
The cashier just checked me out.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
When can I start eating bats again.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water