Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.

You should be able to google why a couple broke up

[normally]
my bed has four corners

[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners

Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying

Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep

anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’

Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’

And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.

“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”

People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?

Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart

Hurricane Diary

Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster

Day 2)I am out of snacks

Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.

Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.

*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*

Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.

Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.

Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire

I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane

We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.

This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!

Basketball

My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.

Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by

Jesus Christ lmao

my favorite genre of twitter

ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.

If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!