School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
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6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.