School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
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I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse