School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
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Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Your soulmate is too smart to date you
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.