Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me

Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*

I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.

The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.

I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money

[ opening music ]

scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus

everyone: lol

[ roll credits ]

[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal

Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.

any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together

Atheists are Popeless romantics.

“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds

My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.

My 3 moods:

1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit

Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try

judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands

Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.

Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:

3) They need their rest.

2) Routine is important.

1) “Game of Thrones” is on.

I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue

held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast

My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.

No word yet.

me: one big skeleton please

clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s

me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please

I’m a good person!

You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.

Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.

the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store

“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky

It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.

Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??

Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!

I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it

[best read with a French accent]

“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”

demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work