School Nurse [calling]: Your child is in my office.
Me: What’s wrong?
Nurse: She’s just overtired.
Me: Join the club.
Nurse: She’s lying down now.
Me: I’ll be right there.
Nurse: Ok. I’ll have her dismissed.
Me: What? No. I’m just coming to lie down, too.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
