[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
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*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
step 6: release the wall snake
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.