[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
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My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?
Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
I am, perchance
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
me linking you to my twitter
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller