Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
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{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
so i’m at the stock market right
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.