Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks

Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high

Wife: how high

My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man

The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.

“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”

It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!

My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.

Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”

“Australia is the smallest planet”

– first day of school already paying off

Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are

my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…

Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch

HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry

I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice

When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.

*deletes my ex’s phone number*

k, weigh me now.

My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.

Scientists discover surface of Mars boring af

“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”

Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity

me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing

watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed

(Item doesn’t scan)

Me: Does that mean it’s free?

Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.

Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.

Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*

Running your mouth is not cardio.

imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*