Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash

Retweet to save a life.

#NationalGirlfriendDay

I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher

Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.

I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.

ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.

WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?

ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.

HER: Get out.

I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.

People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.

Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.

customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames

“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”

*embarrassed silence in the room*

“Wow. Tough crowd.”

Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER

Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.

But I don’t like to point fingers.

While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.

[walks into kitchen]

Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.

I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash

Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…

Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex

Me: Yeah

Gf: I’m having twins

Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies

[Wine tasting]

Me: Yep. Wine.

WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*

It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.

Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.

Just looked up my son’s search history.

Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.

Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?

Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.

Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.

Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.

me: do you gift wrap

drug dealer: what

Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.

Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window

It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.

Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.

Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?

Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.