*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
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My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Meow
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.