4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
school sucks 2/10 stars would not recommend
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[Tour of NASA Headquarters]
Guide: So NASA was founded in July of 1958 with the goal-
Me: *interrupting* Is it true the moon won’t bleed no matter how many times you stab it?
Guide: *into walkie talkie* He’s back.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.