@armisticed

school sucks 2/10 stars would not recommend

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@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*

*puts on ballerina shoes*

*puts on ballerina tiara*

Me: Who are you supposed to be?

4: A ninja.

@DrakeGatsby

[Tour of NASA Headquarters]

Guide: So NASA was founded in July of 1958 with the goal-

Me: *interrupting* Is it true the moon won’t bleed no matter how many times you stab it?

Guide: *into walkie talkie* He’s back.

@fuzzlime

just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye

@abbycohenwl

Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE

@LizHackett

THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.

@aissalanis

Genie: and for your last wish?

Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.

*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*

Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!

@ddsmidt

Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.

@SondraDeeMe

Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?