“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
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“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.