Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?

“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.

Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.

[date]

EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]

REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”

No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”

My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”

– Canadian Dirty Talk

Me: What are you doing?

Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.

Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.

Wife:

Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching

[christmas break with my extended family]

*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.

I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷‍♀️

[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]

Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??

Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?

When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.

Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.

Me: My socks are off, though.

Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.

Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.

Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*

‘I want to see other families.’

~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving

[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?

I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…

But all they sent me was her underwear.

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.

Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?