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‘SevenDays’

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My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.

[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.

We go on tour in the fall.

I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.

*Tries to warm up car*

Car: I have a boyfriend

Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.

“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”

I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.

My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”

I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.

My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?

Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.

Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?

My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.

You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey

You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children

When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!

“I need a beer, you want one?”

– me, helping my son with his Legos

If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.

The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds

born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.

So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners

The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.