Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”

Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Funeral Director: Please leave sir

My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates

I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu

Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.

[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven

I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?

Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.

The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.

The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.

My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea

In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.

Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.

Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?

M: Yup

B: What did you eat?

M: 17 beers

B: …

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: oh my god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees

Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar

[Alien vs Predator]

Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school

I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist

If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.

Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.

Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”

Here’s what we have say about that:

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1154445857661554689/pu/vid/1280x720/ydXWjOtmJDgOZXVi.mp4?tag=10

[if my cat tweeted]

When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.

Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.

(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)

6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.

CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home

Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.

[work email]

Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!

*hides bag of steaks*

My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay

If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS

I walked into a pub with my wife..

The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?

I said That sounds like a fair swap