school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
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When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
I saw nothing
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
ME: Colman Domingo would make a great Hermes in the Hadestown movie
GUY WHO I’M TRAPPED IN A CAVE WITH: cool but I meant ideas about how we get out of this cave
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.