school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
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There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
How dude HOW?!
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?