school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
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Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
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When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
bad
worse
worst
worchester
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel