Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.

He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong

MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:

Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.

Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,

I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?

Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out

WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?

Me watching recorded TV shows

Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities

Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?

Me: I’ve hit rock bottom

The Rock: Harder

Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.

Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots

Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look

My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20

The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.

When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.

Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

[burying my father at sea]

Why isn’t this shovel working?

Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters

There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture

[future]

Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?

Me: Internet arguments, mostly

[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-Y

What the!? A cheesy board!?

G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S

[Job interview]

employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!

me: I hope that’s ok-

emp: when can he start?

me: WHAT?!

cat: meow

emp: great!

me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!

If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.

you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream

[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]

me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*

Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.

Dracula: You can’t be serious.