Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind

I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.

A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.

[1863]

LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—

MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers

I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.

So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.

My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing

The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to

I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.

I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.

Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.

Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.

*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone

There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.

My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street

My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory

Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”

Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.

trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training

Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.

Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.

*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack

“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015

“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.

I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky

“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again