Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d love this…lol

HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes

MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed

Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!

Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES

“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”

Note to self: always read the final line

I wish other people my age weren’t so old.

dictator is short for richard potato

I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it

*Dog begging for chocolate bar*

“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”

*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*

For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!

My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning

Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.

Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?

The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?

My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.

Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.

I’m totally failing parenting

wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad

me: that is true of literally every food

Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.

*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]

*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]

I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation

North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.

Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.

Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.