Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.

Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.

What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s

[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!

Chocolate Cake: …..

Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.

Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.

JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film

9yo: (mouths off to me)

Me:

Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.

Me: Patience

(1 hour later)

9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?

Me: What charger?

Hubs: Nice one.

I have a type: disappointing

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

Nurse: strip down to your underpants

Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled

Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious

You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.

me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”

As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.

Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.

True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.

Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.

sweet dreams💖

My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.

Marriage is easy.

If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.

Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.

They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.

Or bees.

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete

i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent