Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.

if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk

3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE

ME: I’m scared of dying alone.

SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.

JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?

Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

why he move like a hotel transylvania character

Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.

Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.

“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”

-me as a babysitter

going to bed

Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”

[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”

Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.

My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am

[aliens observing earth]

“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”

me: you take your job a little too seriously

bouncer: *jumping up and down* what

If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you

Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.

My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?

*struts into the new year
~ trips

Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face

T-rex: hell yeah

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.

If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.

You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.

People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.

My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.

Him: ok now put a worm on the hook

Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?