[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
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We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
so logan paul and jake paul are different people?
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁