Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.

Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt

Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.

ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.

My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.

If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.

RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?

Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.

I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.

Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*

What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?

Deceased

I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.

If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.

MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room

*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*

At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.

wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*

If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor

JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE

every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family

wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

*jazz hands*

everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe

every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble

My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.

damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about

Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?

GF: What?

M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.

GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.

No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test