Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?

ㅤ

I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”

i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.

Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue

Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’

Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”

When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries

I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…

just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe

I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.

I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.

Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.

I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?

wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree

I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.

A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller

Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.

Me: I like a full bodied wine.

Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.

Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.

Look at this

date: this is so romantic

me: just the two of us

date: and the stars

me: and the moon

the moon: *winks at my date*

me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-

Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour

Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”

Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”

#KrakenDay #RubbishDay

“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.

what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself

If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.

Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.

(during sex)

Her: Make me scream

Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*