[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
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*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
I have a type: disappointing
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold