[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
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Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
describing stardew valley
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.