[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
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Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord