Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
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Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
How animals would run if they were human
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…