Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.

Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.

I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.

Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse

will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer

Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.

“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.

She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok

*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*

He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe

At Dairy Queen:

Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.

DQ: You wanna spoon?

Me: Sure, when do you get off?

Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.

Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila

Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!

Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair

Selfie attempt: come hither look

Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm

Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year

#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.

I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.

we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”

Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?

[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t

I hope it’s French Onion!

CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.

So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?

Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.

I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you

ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship

PIRATE: …Aye

ME: 😊

P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya

Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.

My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.