Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.

a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.

How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”

how to fall down a long set of stairs:

step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26

you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

Women’s Magazines:

Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.

Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.

Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-

Me: I’ll take it.

Them: Sir?

Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.

INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?

Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.

[peeing behind a tree]

bonsai artist: I have restrooms

Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)

is this a warning or an offer?

Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money

Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.

Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one

long lost

listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you

Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.

I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal

Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.

Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.

*cough*

You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.

Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?

Obama: Well, I’ve alw–

Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.