Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 2 without sports:

Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.

Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news

Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork

If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.

KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here

ME: Oh no!

WIFE: Talk to him

ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE

Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.

i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.

So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?

Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up

I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.

I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.

Knuckle tats:

(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)

when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”

Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.

Cashier: What does your tattoo say?

Me: It doesn’t talk.

Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?

Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.

Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.

*accidentally answers phone call*

*pretends to be answering machine*

-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.

-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?

-No clue.

Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.

If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?

“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.

Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.

“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”

– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients

me: that’s my wife susan

him: please pass the salt, ma’am

me: idk she’s pretty lazy

her: [rotates entire table]

me: but strong

It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.

Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.

Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.

[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.

imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol