Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir

Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.

[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine

On the surface: cool as a cucumber…

On the inside: squirrel in traffic…

I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.

Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.

Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs

Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.

6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”

#mumlife

What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?

Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.

“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays

My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.

“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market

I put the h in mysterious.

Expect the unexporcupine.

If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.

Try it…”Bluetooth connected”

“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.

nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper

I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.

[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*

MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.

me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?

wife: not like this

[on a date]

him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.

me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*

Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.

Assistant: Algorithm.

R: No you stay here and help me.

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”

The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.