Schools be like there’s not enough shit at the end of the year can you also get your kid a white elephant gift for a class party tomorrow?
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Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles
I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆