Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.

If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.

Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block

I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

“Dad, what’s a coworker?”

“Someone you block on social media.”

The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.

When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.

This is why I have trust issues.

{After Eclipse}

Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?

Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.

*panic sets in.

Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.

*extreme panic sets in

Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book

Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email

Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*

Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.

Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined

Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.

10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.

[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*

I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.

“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me

I love the smell of relapse in the morning

Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice

my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom

[smallpox]

Only 1890’s kids will get this

I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.

A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.

[First Date]

Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?

Me: Sure

Him to waiter: BLT, please

Me: I’ll have the same

When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted

I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it