Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.

Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.

Me: Harry Potter.

Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.

Me: then why does it have witches?

Wife:

Me: and spells.

Wife:

Me: and flying broomsticks.

Wife: pick another movie.

Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.

Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.

Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.

If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.

Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.

Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.

Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.

I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions

Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you

Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando

ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no

I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.

Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.

Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany

“You CAN even.”

– white girl life coach

This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂

Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.

Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.

I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.

I need a headline like this

I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.

Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.

I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.

I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.

I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way

horse: these pants fit me perfectly

sales clerk: very good sir

horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs

sales clerk: *discretely* of course

Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich

You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment

“I’m not racist but…” – Britain

Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?