Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who the hell invented Bull Riding?

“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”

DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.

15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?

Me: grapes

15: Nice! We have grapes?!

Me: *sips wine* nope

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.

me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita

Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.

A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app

Maine is beautiful and calm.

Stephen King: Hold my balloon.

*gloating* I just broke the internet

Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.

Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts

We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.

thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this

Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.

Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?

5-year-old: A baby.

Woman: What kind of baby?

5-year-old: A human one.

Nailed it.

If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale

I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.

A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.

Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.

*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we are

Me [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn

F: well?
Me: we’re in China

Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.

there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks

Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”

My favourite machine at the gym is the television.

Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?

WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days

Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.