Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
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[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power