Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available

Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time

Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”

bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?

me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting

I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.

Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.

Not to brag…

… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.

Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump

People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today

Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.

the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out

According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8

Quotes to calm an angry woman:

1. Stress makes you fat.

2. My ex never acted like that.

3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.

Them: Describe your personality using one word.

Me: no

Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.

please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*

The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”

“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine

Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat

[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do

MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!

ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!

I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.

There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.

Delicious meat.

You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.

Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.

Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.

This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.

I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.