Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant

ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant

JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶

ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??

JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶

ME: Ah. Carry on.

My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought

WATSON: do you even have a proper education?

SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson

WATSON: but, like, beyond that

SHERLOCK: nah

You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.

-me giving holiday hosting advice

When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.

Parenting:

1st kid: Document their every move

2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time

Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.

4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend

I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support

I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.

It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.

People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.

the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun

I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.

[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think

Literally all I do as a librarian:

It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.

My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.

Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.

I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?

I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”

Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.

4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: *gets out of pool*

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: What do we have here?

ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?

that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala

i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: lol nerd

[Valentine’s Day]

me: *gets divorced*

[24 hours earlier]

me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this