[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
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Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
The three genders.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
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construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
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Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something